you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
