My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
worst night to have a conscience
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
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I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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