Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
