I accidentally had phone sex last night
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
