If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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