i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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