so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
