I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's shark week go big or go home
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
