I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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