State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
