u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
