i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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