I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
