EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
