Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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