arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
