im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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