I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
