woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
