fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
