I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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