The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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