I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
