It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
