4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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