didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
