I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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