I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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