the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
