Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
