I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
