I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
