You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
