Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
