do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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