I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
