i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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