What did we do last night that was yellow?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am one with the molecules
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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