i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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