and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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