I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
