Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
