Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
