just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
