I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
