So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
