im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
