Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
