i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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