Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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