apparently the secret to your success is patron
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
