My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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