when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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